“Why Did I Stay?”

I’ve found myself desperately seeking validity,
“Why did I stay?”
Then I remember:

Connecting at every concert,
Striving to be every beacon I see,
Reconciling my relationship with the mirror,
Sharing and healing with my story,
Freeing myself of the weight of my mask,
Learning that I’m not alone,
Defining myself as a warrior,
Accepting the love I’ve deserved,
Embracing hair that is my own,
Surrounding myself in light,
Continuing to find calms in my chaos.

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A Spark.

(this was the first poem I ever published online. I have slightly revised it, but sharing this over a year ago was a big step in my journey so I would feel inauthentic if I rephrased all of its’ flaws)

Hair in my hands,
And suddenly,
Darkness.
Everything around me
Felt unreal.

Lonely, self-loathing trash
Became my personality.
I found residence in rock bottom.
Only music understood,
Freed me from the burden,
And provided arms of comfort.

Then came the sparks:
There were moments of community,
Unexpected offers of help,
People willing to listen
And keep me company,
Concerts that spoke what I felt,
Vinyl records that put me at ease.

For the first time,
I had a place in this world.
My presence is valued.
I am not a waste of space.

These sparks
Ignite a light within me,
And remind me
That hope is real.

Sparks that seemed small
Became the motivation
To get better.
To take that light
And become a beacon
So that others
May not feel so broken.

“The Loneliness Comes In Waves”

The loneliness sometimes creeps back in, threatening like a storm approaching. But the strength of the storm depends on my reaction to the first rain drops, my perception of the clouds, the anticipation of what is to come. Lately, it monsoons on some days, then transforms to drizzle on others.
How can I stop the rain when I’ve become so accustomed to its presence? Why can’t I accept the sunshine behind the clouds until it hits me in such a way that it’s ecstasy? Everything affects us, so why do I continue to accept what hurts me and avoid what heals me? Why is darkness comforting but light frightening?