A Spark.

(this was the first poem I ever published online. I have slightly revised it, but sharing this over a year ago was a big step in my journey so I would feel inauthentic if I rephrased all of its’ flaws)

Hair in my hands,
And suddenly,
Darkness.
Everything around me
Felt unreal.

Lonely, self-loathing trash
Became my personality.
I found residence in rock bottom.
Only music understood,
Freed me from the burden,
And provided arms of comfort.

Then came the sparks:
There were moments of community,
Unexpected offers of help,
People willing to listen
And keep me company,
Concerts that spoke what I felt,
Vinyl records that put me at ease.

For the first time,
I had a place in this world.
My presence is valued.
I am not a waste of space.

These sparks
Ignite a light within me,
And remind me
That hope is real.

Sparks that seemed small
Became the motivation
To get better.
To take that light
And become a beacon
So that others
May not feel so broken.

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Extinguish

I found comfort in your company.
You found comfort in my light.
But you became rain clouds that blocked my sunshine

You saw me as an angel,
With full hair and a sense of humor,
You fell in love with my mask.

That mask has been broken,
I could not hide behind it anymore.

You lost interest.
I’ve always been fragile,
I’ve always been broken.

You prepared for my suicide,
Picking at a scab
With the scissors I used to make them.

I am trying to let you go
To free you of the pain of denial.

You are playing a losing game.
Although you extinguish my flame,
You can never destroy my spark.

You fear my mental baggage,
You should admire me
For being strong enough to carry it.

You cannot handle storms
Like I can.